I was the photographer at my Boyfriend’s Wedding

We were dating for several months when the grand idea to test out celibacy came about.

Not that the intimate part of our relationship wasn’t satisfying. But more so, when done with the right intention, it can be so advantageous to your relationship. In my mind, focusing on self-disciple and real intimacy in our relationship could only result in an even stronger bond between us. A bond that would be suited for any challenges that may arise.

Keep in mind we were both in our late 20’s and had known each other for years before dating. Expectations and the direction of the relationship were discussed and so I thought the path was all mapped out for us.

We were not just taking pics to splay on social media and going out on fancy dates. Although, the fancy dates are a necessity for me.

We were planning a future together, for goodness sake!

We worked in close proximity to each other to have morning coffee together and even lunch dates several times a week. Our evenings were spent together, hanging out with either his siblings or mine or just doing things that we both loved and in my mind, building a bond.

So I was blindsided when I got an invitation to the wedding, and because of my great skills asked to be the photographer. With the expressed expectation of being charged “friend rates”, none the less.

Not only did the invitation floored me, when I looked at the date of this momentous occasion, it was also set for 3 weeks away. This literally caused my breathing to falter. It coincided with the deadline for my self-imposed celibacy.

Now you would probably ask, “Why TF did you agree to this foolery?!!”

But for me, the real question was “How TF can I not witness this debacle for myself?” Or better yet, to capture what would be my boyfriend’s most cherished moments, in person.

What followed in the next couple of months, I really don’t know. I just do not recall. I operated on autopilot. The only thought swirling in my mind was, my boyfriend is marrying another woman.

Hearing my family and friends telling me that he wasn’t good enough for me or that I dodged a bullet or that he was the scum of the earth, did absolutely NOTHING to comfort me.

My world was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could have done to fix it or even stop it from happening. It was as if I was outside of my body watching this all unfold. Asking him the obvious questions of how and when did this happen didn’t help to ease the pain either. This was beyond comprehension, and so I did the only thing I knew how to do. Which was to overthink and carry on as if I didn’t feel empty and emotionless.

When the day came, I got dressed and called another photographer to work along with me. Which really meant take over in the event my emotions got the better of me and headed out to tackle the toughest job to date.

You see, I’ve always been taught to dress for battle with confidence and valor. With not even a hint of my inner turmoil. And that’s exactly what I did! Donned in a sexy all-black pantsuit paired with some kick-ass heels, my toes paid for that for days afterward, and red lipstick, I captured the beauty amidst my pain.

I delivered like never before, stayed away from the open bar, and then went to the beach and dove in fully clothed.

Stepping Out Solo

New job blessed me with a ticket to a media awards event this weekend past and since I had never attended my first thought was Yay!! I was ecstatic! And then it went to who the hell gives someone 1 single ticket to a black tie affair? Now remember I’m single but I still felt the need to have someone with me. After days of internal turmoil I had to accept that I was actually afraid to socialize on my own. My insecurities were creeping out. A grown ass woman afraid to go out into a social setting filled with strangers, FYI I knew all of 3 people who attended and only by name because we worked at the same company.

Accepting this fact took a minute. I went through the whole I am woman hear me roar to no you’re a woman who’s insecurity is preventing her from enjoying the opportunity to frolic and dress up and experience life. Going out alone meant I have learn how to navigate not only this event but my life on a whole. I have to trust my intuition. To quiet the mind and allow the answers to manifest. It’s great to have a strong tribe/support system, but sometimes it’s best to quiet the mind and reflect and navigate these “black tie events” solo. Learning to trust myself means having an understanding that there are times when I will have mishaps, but there are times I would have made the best decision of my life! Accepting full responsibility for all my actions. Personal accountability I think is what it’s called. And with this realization I got all dolled up on Saturday evening and drove out in my well used 2009 Kia Sportage, I valet parked by the way. And thoroughly enjoyed myself.

As I was bobbing to the music, the band preforming was absolutely superb, nibbling on delectable hors d’oeuvers while sipping some unleaded fruit punch, I mentally patted myself on the back. One small big step to embracing and enjoying my fears and trying something new for the first time all by my lonesome.

I Miss You

I wanted to be held last night!
I wanted after a long day and an even longer night to drive home and be enveloped in your arms.
I wanted to bury my face in the crook of your neck and deeply breathe in that scent that was once considered home.
I wanted to idly chit chat about nothing and everything and eventually drift of to sleep to the rhythmic beating of your heart.
I wanted to lazily stroke you, not in a sexual way, but to to run my hands over your torso and forearm just to savor the feel of them. To savor the strength in the. Just to touch you!
I wanted to rub my cheek against your 5 O’clock shadow.
I wanted to be engulfed by you and made to feel welcomed home…

Instead I was greeted by the deafening silence of aloneness…
Aloneness and the humming of the refrigerator.

I Smile

I think of you and I smile! I smile because of the many thoughts that race through my mind. You as my lover, you as my confidant, you being the lovable douche, you being my best friend and a listening ear. For a few minutes I revel in those memories. And I smile!  Then slowly my smile droops just a bit. It droops as the memories of the Mr. Know It All surfaces! The memories of the arrogance that sometimes hides the insecurities, your shield I call it. It droops when I’m flooded with memories of your lack of accountability and your vicious tongue, that has the ability to uplift and encourage, but some how cuts and destroys with such ease. And even seeing the untapped potential that’s right beneath the surface, just dying to be unleashed. And I smile again.

I smile because I’m finally seeing the MAN in his totality! And not through the rose tinted lenses I tend to wear :). But the man with all of his beautiful flaws and I smile again. We’ve finally gotten to life’s cross road and it’s time to unravel our intertwined  fingers and walk on our own. Time to allow the other person to grow and blossom into what and who we’re suppose to be. And I smile!

I smile because I’ve finally learnt and accepted the role you’ve played in my life. You’ve taught me some valuable lessons that, in the moment, cut to the core but showed me a side of myself that I  never knew existed. But I’m thankful for those lessons.  And now that I’ve learnt the lessons it’s time to continue my journey. As I navigate this thing called life I’m eternally grateful for you being there for me. Comforting me, encouraging me, fighting me and forcing me to see things differently. So thank you!

Thank you for helping me to “Get the Fuck Over It” and helping me to “Make It Make Sense”. Thank you and take it easy!

#peaceandlove
#KeepingmyFaith
#lifelessons

I Just Wanna Be Successful

I want the money, money and the cars, cars and the clothes
I suppose
I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful
I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful
I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful

Trey Songz – Successful

Society has some how convinced us, or it could just be me, that the accumulation of materials things and money equates to being successful and for a long while I had fallen for that lie. Not only had I fallen for it, my mind was set on working hard to make as much money as possible and to buy everything that my heart desired! The fact that I thoroughly enjoy online and in store shopping was not helpful at all :-). It took many moons of working hard, sometimes to the point of neglecting family life and friendships, for me to realize that success is relative to each individual. That YOU have to first decide what’s important to YOU and what it is that YOU want to accomplish in life. Once I realized and accepted that I started thinking. Like some real deep soul searching/introspection thinking. And sad to say I felt like a completely shallow, materialistic individual and so I had to dig a little deeper and really question why I had focused so much time and resources on material gain and I to really ask myself what was most important to me. After some intense soul searching I was able to define success as I see it. It may not measure up to another person standard, and that’s fine, because it brings me a sense of peace, excitement and fulfillment. So here goes!

To be a mother who have a healthy relationship with her adult children. And for that to happen I would have to provide them with an environment that fosters trust, respect and a sense of comfort so deep that I’m viewed as a mother and nurturer, a confidant, a mentor/someone worthy of emulation and a provider.

To define my personal, spiritual, emotional, physical and financial goals and to actively work towards them. Ensuring that each area of my life is given the attention and needed in order to bloom. To go into details in these areas would require individual posts :-).

To foster healthy friendships/relationships that encourages, motivates, challenges and admonish, when needed.

Oh I also need my own home for my little family

#peacelovehappiness

#keepingmyFaith

One Last Time

I thought I had it all figured out. That we were over and done with. It’s amazing how a single phone call disrupted my semblance of contentment. I thought I had accepted the finality of the facade called “US”. That I had move pass it all. But all it took was one conversation….one indecent proposal and my well built defenses started to weaken. In spite of all that had transpired between us, they weaken. In spite of all the “unfinished” finished business they weaken. In spite of it all, they weaken and I was sicken. Sicken at my own weakness. Sicken at my almost inability to stay away from you. This dance, if you can call it that, has been ongoing for a while.

And now it’s time for this dance to end. It’s time to admit that we dance even

Continue reading “One Last Time”

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

You were my first rejection. Before you even met me you rejected me! Before I was given a chance you brushed me aside. Without even an afterthought I was dismissed. For years I struggled trying to understand why you did what you did, turns out you didn’t even know why either. Every child around me had an actually person as their dad and all I had was a name. A name and a sense of inadequacy! Mum did all she could to make me feel loved and wanted, but it’s hard to convince a child that she’s loved when the man that fathered her, rejected her, wanted Nothing to do with her.

It took some time and some guts for me to finally tell my mum that I wanted to meet/speak to you. And even more guts to place the call, that’s when I met your wife and some of my brothers. For years I denied that I was negatively affected by not having a father figure in my life. However, 3 kids and 2 failed relationships, I started to examine my life and why I do certain things and react to things the way I do. Even though we have discussed your disappearance act, I realized I never forgave you for it. Yes we talk and laugh and I even appreciate your interest in my children’s lives, under all that I was still resentful towards you.

Now it’s time for me to forgive you and move on. So, for the first time I will say the words, “I forgive you”! I forgive you for not being the parent that I needed you to be! I forgive you for the rejection! Now that I’m a parent I understand that it wasn’t me that you were rejecting, it was the fear of the uncertainty my existence would bring that made you conveniently forget about me. No I’m not making up excuses, but I’m accepting that it has happened and we can’t undo what’s done! I forgive you because it’s time to release the hurt, anguish and torture. By holding on to them I’m denying myself the opportunity to enjoy true peace of mind, contentment, and the chance to love a man and to be loved in return. So I forgive you Daddy and I love you. And finally the hurt child is journeying down the path of forgiveness and healing.

#peaceloveandhappiness

Here Comes the Groom

I love weddings! I love the flowers, the pretty dresses, the rings and especially the receptions :). This weekend I had the pleasure of attending my brother’s wedding and for the first time ever I got really emotional. And it wasn’t even moments between bride and groom! It was during the entrance of the groom and his daughter and it was during their father/daughter dance. The love between them was evident and I actually teared up both times. I’ve always read about these really strong father/daughter bonds but I’ve never really witnessed one. And it was pretty darn refreshing. To watch my brother interact with his children is something really special and I hope that so many other little girls and boys would have the opportunity to build such a relationship with their dad.

#PeaceLoveandHappiness

#KeepingMyFaith

An Open Letter to The Men Who Made Me a Mother

At first I was angry. Anger and betrayal filled my heart and mind. Anger, not only at them, but more so at myself. Anger that said “how stupid can you be to go through this ordeal not once but twice?”. Getting my heart ripped out and spewed on the floor and stomped on, just for good measures. To actually believe a man when he said that he would always be there for me and even if, God forbid, we were to split the child would not be denied and ignored. That the child would not suffer as a result of the death of what was labelled “Us”.

With time, yoga, meditation and hours of prayers I’ve accepted my part in the demise and I’ve forgiven not only you but myself and I’d like to say “Thank You”. Thank you for teaching me how strong and creative I am. Thank you for the gift of motherhood. Thank you for giving me the best gifts any person can give another. The chance to nurture and guide two beautiful children. Thank you for teaching me the importance of “It takes a village to raise a child”. Thank you for teaching me to not dwell to long on the problem but to focus on the solution and the end goal. Thank you for the 6am wake up on weekends :-). Thank you for so much more than any of ever imagined.

Your reasons for your actions are beyond my comprehension, however I will respect your decisions. Just know that I forgive you, not for your sake, but for myself. I forgive you so I could be able to love and enjoy my blessings (my children) without any reservations. Thank you! I forgive you and release all anger, frustration and sense of betrayal.

#KeepingMyFaith

#PeaceLoveandHappiness