The past couple months I’ve been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. Some of them dragging my energy down forcing me to speak strongly to myself. While some have had me feeling hella exhilarated and vibrant, these I thoroughly enjoy. But there are some emotions that had me feeling contemplative and unproductive. A racing mind with a body that just won’t catch up or sometimes won’t even freaking get started. I’d be lying if I don’t admit that there is some joy in these bouts of unproductiveness. I would spend hours consuming copious amounts of articles or podcasts or books. I would get lost pursuing one unnecessary task after the other, all while intentionally ignoring what I know I should be doing.
Surprisingly enough there’s no feeling of guilt either. While I do understand that this has to stop, if I truly intend to accomplish my goals, this unproductiveness was necessary to reset and refocus my life. I’ve accepted that I’ve not been living my life based on my own values or based on what I truly enjoy but mostly on what others think I should be doing. Innately, I am a people’s pleaser. While this was a bitter pill to swallow it was a necessary one for me.
These past couple months I’ve had to get over the person everyone else expects me to be. I’ve had to release all the dreams every one else expected me to pursue. I’ve had to strip myself naked and shed the weight of everyone else’s expectations of me. I’ve had to separate myself from the herd as I search for myself. I’ve had this past couple months to process all of this newness that’s emerging. I’ve had this past couple months to understand that who I am is constantly changing due to new revelations and being introduced to new experiences. And I’ve had this past couple months to accept that this constant evolution is what we call life. After all we are living creatures who are meant to explore and challenge ourselves.
Change is necessary and will happen whether we are accepting of it or not. And every single day I’m gifted with life and health it is my responsibility to make the choices that align with who I am and the life I want to experience.