“Falling in love is such an easy thing to do
And there’s no guarantee that the one you love
Is gonna love you”
That new relationship feeling is the absolutely blissful and just beautiful! Everything about it is perfect and seemingly exactly what you ever needed. It’s also in this phase that most people tend to overlook the obvious red flags, and fall deep in love with potential.
When I met James he was 32 and I was 27. I had recently ended a 11 year relationship and he was newly divorced, or so I thought, and wasn’t keen on labeling us. But he continuously assured me that he definitely wanted an “us”.
Although the idea of an undefined relationship wasn’t something I wanted or was comfortable with I went along with it. I was drawn to this man and was determined to be with him. James had the making of everything I ever wanted in a partner. He was charismatic, intelligent , ambitious and he was quite the handyman. Something about a man who is not afraid to get dirty, appeals to my animalistic needs.
Sexy for me is a man being able to stimulate me intellectually and boy did i get that from James. Being able to converse about a plethora of topics for hours on end was what I need in man. Besides the sexual chemistry between us was unlike anything I have ever experienced. Understand I only had one adult relationship before James, and my ex and I were both inexperience and so we had grown up and apart together.
In this blissful “in love” phase I overlooked James ability to commit to anything beyond the next time we would hook-up, or his inability to keep his word. And his witty tongue that was used more to wreck havoc than it was used to encourage. Baring witness to condescension left a bitter taste in my mouth.
Yes James was ambitious, and focused on his future. But it was just that! His future! There was no inclusion of me or an “us” into any of his plans. Begrudgingly I realized that while I had accepted less than I deserved, James had stuck to his guns and only accepted what he wanted and in some cases demanded that I prove myself worthy.
I’d love to blame youth and inexperience for allowing such foolishness but in all honesty it was a combination of low self esteem and loneliness. I wanted someone, anyone! And I was willing to settle for the scraps that were thrown my way.
It’s easy to blame James for everything, instead of accepting my role in it all. And especially as a woman seeking sympathy, I could revel in the victim role.
But the victim shit gets old and I’ve learned to accept all of what has happened to me as a blessing. Because inevitably it has taught me to never settle for less than what I think I deserve. To stand firm in what I desire from my next relationship.