Have you ever been in love?

I’ve been down that road at least twice so far, however, I’ve been in lust plenty of times. And to be honest I LOVED being n lust way more than being in love. One good conversation can sweep the lust from my mind and my life. You see, I need my partner to be open-minded and intelligent. Mental stimulation is a must for me.

Picture it!

Great chemistry, the ability to converse for hours about anything and everything, FYI I am random with a quirky sense of humor and hella curious. Back to my initial thoughts, sizzling sexual attraction, and that collaborative spirit combined with great morals and standards, and I am head over heels in love. And all of that is why I preferred lust to love. I’m able to disconnect and move on without feeling like I’ve lost a vital part of me. I’m not overly emotionally vested in the person nor the relationship. With the demise of this beautiful, superficial, blissful relationship I am able to conduct a spiritual cleanse, it’s really just me going for a swim alone, and move on with my life.

But when you fall in love and that relationship ends, it’s not so easy to move on. Logically you understand that that person brought more sad/hard times than good times, or took advantage of you, or just that the two of you just aren’t a good fit. But emotionally you’re literally stuck on that person. Picturing a life without them in it just does not make sense. Picturing them with someone else is heart-wrenching and physically painful. All the plans you had for the rest of your life were plans made by the two of you. TOGETHER! Shoots you even picked out names for your unborn children and discussed floor plans for your future home together. And now ALL of that is shattered and you’re left to pick up the pieces.

No amount of alcohol can get you past it, don’t ask any questions, and just know that I cannot even smell Jose Cuervo, to this day, without getting nauseated and physically ill. I didn’t just shot that shit! I had the bottle to my head and guzzled that bad boy like I didn’t have to go back to work afterward. I’m a responsible drinker so I didn’t drive, a really good friend who sat back and allowed me to cry and get intoxicated with no judgment.

No amount of bad-mouthing helped either. Spewing nonsense from the mouth while your entire being knows better isn’t the way to go. And it didn’t work for me cuz the heart wants what the hearts wants. So as good as the bashing with your girlfriends sounds, it’s not worth it. Again just trust me on this. You can’t take back what’s said in anger and some shit that went down in your intimate relationship just should NOT be discussed with friends and family. Point blank!

The whole foolishness of going under another man to get over your heartache isn’t even freaking possible. The mere idea of another man’s hands caressing my body, while I’m craving the touch of another is repulsive. And honestly a disservice to that poor man that you know you will discard without another thought. Everyone has feelings and should be treated with respect.

While crying is a balm for the soul and can be so soothing, my cryfest ended with a splitting headache. Needless to say, I don’t cry too long or too much.

Absolutely nothing seemed to work until I accepted that loving him didn’t mean that we’ll be together. That unconditionally loving him won’t translate to him loving me the way I need to be loved. That loving him meant accepting him for who he is, with zero expectations. To continually offer love but from a distance this time around. If conversation was what was needed and I was available, we converse. If small favors were needed and were able to assist, I would. If he crossed my mind, I would send up a quick prayer. No, we don’t hang out like friends, which would lead to me not being able to move past our past. This transition has been lengthy but oh so worthwhile because now there’s no desire to rekindle what was.
Healing isn’t always pretty nor is it instant. What it is though, is peaceful and filled with adventures.