Recently I’ve been hearing a lot about, people being ghosted or seeking closure in relationships. Just in case you don’t know ghosting is just disappearing with no notice. Zilch. No calls. No texts. Straight up being blocking you from every app possible. Maybe even changing the telephone number. While closure is knowing why the reason the relationship ended and hopefully, not having any emotional attachment or pain, thereby giving yourself the ability to establish a new and healthy intimate relationship. Mind you these aren’t new concepts at all, just the terms.
I’ve personally been guilty of both and when I think of closure I’m bombarded with old memories…
I called him to see if I could have stopped by because I was in the area. He was reluctant initially but I insisted on just one last conversation. I went prepared with my argument and rebuttals and he even listened. Once I had spent myself, he hugged me real tight, kissed me on the forehead, and said “I love you, Tam”. It was at this point that I knew in my heart of all hearts that it was over between us. The pain that shot through my entire body was sharp and intense. It was unlike any sensation I had ever experienced before, and prayed, futilely, to never experience ever again. I silently bawled. The pain didn’t allow for nary a sound nor could it stop the torrential tear fest.
I thought it would come with great fanfare! We would have these soul searching conversations about what was the source of the ending, we would acknowledge our parts in the demise and figure out how best to move forward. Turns out it wasn’t closure I wanted but another chance at the relationship. I wanted us to fix us. When all I needed to do was accept that the relationship had ended. Forgive me for my part in it and forgive him. It would have been great if we were able to have a conversation about it but it wasn’t necessary either. Turns out this process isn’t even as simple as it sounds nor is it an overnight fix. For me to be able to move onto another healthy relationship there was some soul searching necessary. Some accepting that I had some traits that just was not conducive to a partnership. And that having sex with your ex just doesn’t make it any better or easier. This closure stuff was rough! This was my closure.
I’ve ghosted when it was obvious that what I wanted in a relationship was never going to happen with that particular person. Or if quite frankly, I knew that what that man wanted and needed from a woman I was not capable of giving him. My method may have been the coward’s way out but when one is unwilling to make the changes necessary and unable to communicate this, then cowardice it is. Honestly, there was no thought of the other party and how or if they’re affected by this, just pure escapism. In hindsight, I’ve accepted that my ghosting may have stemmed from not having dealt with my reluctance to accept the finality of an old relationship.
I’ve also been on the other side of ghosting. We were vibing! Great conversation, even went out a few times… Shoots even thought we were progressing beyond dating, turns out I was just a filler until something better came along. This stung and accepting this was a bitter pill. How dare he not see all of this perfectly flawed being before him?? But what could I have done? Absolutely nothing! Nothing besides accepting the man’s decision to remove himself. Trust me I would have loved some explanation, alas none was forthcoming. So I dusted my bruised ego and carried on.
A healthy relationship is a beautiful thing, however en route to one we may experience some pitfalls called closure and ghosting. But don’t allow these to hinder you in any way. Learn the lesson, smile, because at some point that person was all you ever wanted, and move on, because there is someone out there willing, ready, and able to love and enjoy you, as you are.