The thought of marriage, that which I consider the ultimate commitment, always made my armpits itch and my palms sweat.
Mind you, I’ve never attended a wedding that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy. And the receptions are always the highlight for me. The food, the drinks, the music, and especially that festive jovial atmosphere. I live for a good wedding and for the past couple of years I’ve been able to snag invites to at least 2 weddings annually.
Dressing up and shaking a leg in the presence of all that love is invigorating! For the longest I could not see myself as the bride, nor did I have any envious thoughts towards her. As a matter of fact, the thought of me being the bride made me slightly uncomfortable.
I’ll tell you a little something about me. I once had a great long term relationship and was on the brink of getting married when the whole thing fell apart and the wedding was called off. Maybe 4 or 5 weeks before the set date. The reason is too much to explore at this time and depending on who you ask, I can assure you it’ll change.
In hindsight, I’m finally able to understand my apprehension towards marriages.
One – I didn’t and still don’t have a great many examples of solid marriages to serve as an encouragement for me.
Two – Marriages always seemed to stifle. You were expected to be this perfect little woman, mother, and homemaker. Forgetting self! Sacrificing personal goals and aspirations! Marriage seemed to suck the fun out of living and I couldn’t allow that. It could be because my then fiancé gave me a list of dos and don’ts though.
Three – The greatest love story I had ever heard was between 2 people who were married to another but committed to each other.
And four – I just wasn’t ready for it before 2020. I had a lot of growing up to do. I had to learn who I was before I even commit to another person. I had to unlearn some habits that I thoroughly enjoyed but weren’t conducive to a committed intimate relationship. I also had to learn to recognize what triggered me to show my skin. This is an ongoing process and I’m a work in progress.
I had to learn that committing to something, means that even on my not so good days, I will not forget my why.
As we enter 2021 I’ve chosen two words to define my year, committed and intentional.
What are you looking forward to in 2021?