Get Over Yourself

The past couple months I’ve been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. Some of them dragging my energy down forcing me to speak strongly to myself. While some have had me feeling hella exhilarated and vibrant, these I thoroughly enjoy. But there are some emotions that had me feeling contemplative and unproductive. A racing mind with a body that just won’t catch up or sometimes won’t even freaking get started. I’d be lying if I don’t admit that there is some joy in these bouts of unproductiveness. I would spend hours consuming copious amounts of articles or podcasts or books. I would get lost pursuing one unnecessary task after the other, all while intentionally ignoring what I know I should be doing.

Surprisingly enough there’s no feeling of guilt either. While I do understand that this has to stop, if I truly intend to accomplish my goals, this unproductiveness was necessary to reset and refocus my life. I’ve accepted that I’ve not been living my life based on my own values or based on what I truly enjoy but mostly on what others think I should be doing. Innately, I am a people’s pleaser. While this was a bitter pill to swallow it was a necessary one for me.

These past couple months I’ve had to get over the person everyone else expects me to be. I’ve had to release all the dreams every one else expected me to pursue. I’ve had to strip myself naked and shed the weight of everyone else’s expectations of me. I’ve had to separate myself from the herd as I search for myself. I’ve had this past couple months to process all of this newness that’s emerging. I’ve had this past couple months to understand that who I am is constantly changing due to new revelations and being introduced to new experiences. And I’ve had this past couple months to accept that this constant evolution is what we call life. After all we are living creatures who are meant to explore and challenge ourselves.

Change is necessary and will happen whether we are accepting of it or not. And every single day I’m gifted with life and health it is my responsibility to make the choices that align with who I am and the life I want to experience.

Death of A Friendship…

Everyone talks about the pain of an intimate relationship ending, but we hardly speak of the gap that’s left when we have to end a friendship. Who am I going to call/text at ungodly hours with random thoughts who will instantly answer and understand the randomness and never question the oddity of it all? Who’s going to hype me up when I’ve been knocked down? Who’s going to understand my silent battles and quietly sit beside me in it all? Who’s gonna allow me to be ME? Without judgement or condemnation? Pray tell who damnit!!!

Forming friendships has never been easy for me. As an adult with children, a career and incredibly lofty life goals, I tend to get caught up to the detriment of potential friendships. So having to end an established friendship is gut wrenching.

Gut wrenching and necessary.

The sadness that engulfs you when you start to accept that the respect, loyalty, admiration and love that you have for an individual is not reciprocated hurts.

It really does!

It hurts until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

It hurts until you’re able to be completely honest with yourself. You’ve watched your friend’s disloyal actions and although you were disgusted by it, you opted not to address it. Whether for the fear of losing that friend or maybe because it never directly affected you, you turn a blind eye. Either way, it’s not addressed, and we all know what happens to concerns that aren’t addressed. They become problems. Problems that become the reason an otherwise great friendship dies.

Sometimes we play ourselves by not wanting to accept people for who they continuously show us they are. Then there’s a point in life where you’re seriously focused on personal development and you’re shedding old thoughts, behaviors and people who no longer align with your future self. This is when you start to accept the natural death of a friendship. You accept that the only thing you had in common was a history. That’s it. Nothing else. And so you start to release this friendship.

Whether I have had to end a friendship or I have had to release a friendship, I’ve learned to do it with love. There’s no animosity, just acceptance. If they cross my mind I send a quick prayer up for them. I celebrate their victories, albeit from afar. I cast their secrets away into the Sea of Forgetfulness and pray they do the same for mine. And I move on, cuz while forging friendships has always been a challenge for me, I’m learning that my challenges often lead to sinfully delicious discoveries!

Connection & Interdependence

It’s the weather for me.

It always has been.

Whenever the weather is gloomy and the rain heavy, I long to curl up in bed under the covers and snuggle. For some time it’s been only me in my singleness, as of late I’ve felt the urge to be held. To hold onto someone. To revel in the warmth of a man’s embrace.

Quite honestly these urges frighten me. I grew up thinking self love and independence was the way to go. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that self love and independence are important, however I am now learning the value of connection and interdependence

We are humans and we are wired for connection! God made Adam in a perfect space and saw that it was not good for man to be alone and so He gave Adam a helpmate. A companion. A wife. Hence it is our nature to seek safety, love and belonging aka connection. Thankfully or hopefully it’s found in friendships, but nothing beats finding that connection , that companionship in a life partner. So to seek out or to desire a partner is quite normal and healthy and I dare say, should even be encouraged.

Some time ago I stumbled across this quote that goes something like this

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.’

I know I can (and do) enjoy my life and will accomplish the goals I have for myself, by myself. But wouldn’t it be more exciting, more fulfilling to have a partner along with me for the ride?

Someone to remind and encourage me when my eyes waver from my goals?

Someone to share the adventures of life with?

Someone who sees me as I am, perfectly flawed, and accepts me still?

Someone who allows me to do the same for him…

Going far requires support from others and I’ve decided that I will go far …

Happy Sunday

You Miss Every Shot You Don’t Take

So, I’m driving with my man child and we’re conversing about life and relationships. And he makes a statement that floors me. He said you miss every shot you never take. It’s not a statement I’ve never heard before but at that moment it had me thinking.

Like why was I still single?

Why was I working at a job where I’m unappreciated with absolutely no future?

Why am I feeling this sense of being stagnant?

No matter how I try to gloss over it the reality is I am single because I was afraid to say exactly what it is that I want from a partner and an intimate relationship. And so, I’ll never get what I want unless I’m willing to clearly define what it is that I want. Mind readers don’t exist and it’s unfair to expect someone else to carry the burden of trying to anticipate your wants and needs.

It’s damn selfish really!

I would also need to get out there and date cuz just focusing on children, work and home life can limit my options. So, here’s to getting out more, pursuing interests outside of the home, and meeting new people. In theory, this all sounds so easy peasy, one thing I’ve learned over the years is that I must be intentional with my actions cuz old habits die hard. This may sound like an excuse, but for years I’ve not met a man that captured my attention. Yes, I’ve encountered beautiful men, ambitious men, intelligent men but not a man that I was not able to forget shortly after I spoke with him. It goes beyond sexual urges and leans more towards recognition of something akin to home.

Is it unrealistic to want chemistry?

Why am I working at a job where I’m not stimulated nor appreciated knowing that there’s no future there? Quite frankly it’s fear.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of leaving a consistent salary with benefits and not being able to take care of my family.

Fear of starting over again. It’s scary to be a beginner at my age, and I’m learning to extend grace to myself as I’m acquiring new skills.

Fear that I am not qualified “enough” for the job that I really want.

Fear that my business venture may fail, and I’ll have to get back into the corporate world…

Expressing these fears is always met with disbelief and dismay, so I’ve kept silent.

I’ve kept silent while strategizing how to accomplish my goals. First, I had to figure out what it is exactly I want out of life and then start taking small steps to accomplish them, consistently. Don’t know about you but the big picture scared me shitless. So much so that I’d not start AT ALL!

In writing this I realize that my life isn’t stagnant at all. It’s the impatience and unwillingness to savor the process that has me feeling this sense of nothing getting done. The small step I’m taking is the foundation to me accomplishing my goals. Every morning when I get out of bed and take my morning walks/jog I’m getting some step closer to being a healthier version of myself. Every week as I plan the week I’m working towards my goals. Every time I step out of my comfort zone and face my fears, I’m working towards accomplishing my goals. These steps aren’t always glamourous nor momentous, however, they are necessary to the journey and so I take them.

So here’s to taking the shot

Here’s to challenging yourself to speak up

Here’s to applying for the job that you don’t think you’re qualified for

Here’s to starting that side hustle and consistently working on it

Here’s to the banishament of negative self talk

Here’s to living the life that you want to live!

Collaboration over Competition

International Women’s Day was yesterday and I shared this beautiful quote by Serena Williams in support of these great women. After sharing, I realized that I fibbed just a tad bit. I fibbed when I shouted out the women who mentored me. Quite honestly I can’t find one single female that I’ve encountered professionally who had the spirit of mentoring or even being a role model. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t worked with some phenomenal women, it’s just that these women were not the mentoring sort. Or it could be that I was not open to being mentored.

Interestingly enough I’ve encountered 3 men who have taken on the role of mentors for me. We’ve converse on so many aspects of life, ranging from parenthood to finances, to self-development to balancing my life(self, family, career). They’ve provided a safe place for honest discussions and when needed they’ve held me accountable and have gently reminded me to stay focused on the goal. These men have taught me the importance of accountability, transparency, and honesty.

Their words and their actions were always in alignment.

They are leaders, teachers, and students of life.

That exchange of knowledge

That understanding that helping others does not take away from them in any way is what always stood out to me.

They’ve taught me that the only competition is the woman in the mirror and that comparison is a waste of time as it slows down progress and in some cases even halts it completely.</p>

Having had these mentors in my life I strive to be the woman who builds up those around me.

The woman who lends a helping hand.

The woman who listens.

The woman you share knowledge and life lessons.

The woman who encourages growth and accountability.

The woman offers a glass of wine or a cup of coffee.

A woman who collaborate with other women

#collaborationovercompetition

How Deep is Your Love

I woke up and chose happiness!

Every morning I wake up I start my morning either writing down or speak out aloud 5 things I’m grateful for. Followed by affirmations before I get started with my day.

Last year when this concept of speaking affirmations out aloud the mirror and having a gratitude journal was reintroduced to me I was skeptical. Yes I had read about people who had believed in the power of gratitude and speaking only that which they wanted to come to true and I believed it but not enough to incorporate it into my daily life. When I first started it felt strange, until I accepted that just as I would speak life into my children and those close to me why shouldn’t I speak life into my own life.

Why shouldn’t I build up, encourage and remind myself daily that I Am disciplined , I am opened and receptive to the opportunities that align with the life I want for myself. That every day and in every way I’m getting stronger emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally and physically. That I Am Beautiful as I Am. That I Am accepting of myself while working towards continuously improving myself.

After all, for years I’ve nitpick and criticized every freaking aspect of myself and honestly that shit just doesn’t feel good. I used to beat myself down before stepping into the world and having the world closely examine and critique everything about me and to remind me of what I lack.

But not anymore!

Thanks to my deliberate effort, I’ve learned that I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of love and peace. I am allowed to live as I wish.

So how deep is my love?

My love is so deep that I am accepting and forgiving of myself when I make mistakes.

My love is so deep that I refused to indulge in negative self talk.

My love is so deep that I find time to rest my body and nurture me.

My love is so deep that I remove myself from situations that no longer align with where I am going

My love is so deep that I no longer sustain relationships that deep rooted in negativity

This journey of self love has been an interesting one and every day I’m learning something new. And every day I choose to love me as deeply as I love everyone around me 🥰🥰

How deep is your love…

#HappySunday

Self-Care Sundays

I don’t care what nobody says working in front of a computer all day is DRAINING!

Some weeks are better than others thankfully; but after a week of being hunched over a computer I’m ready to unwind and pamper myself or be pampered. Initially, when I thought about having designated self-care Sundays, I had a very specific look for this day. I would start the day off with a great brew, after all who doesn’t love coffee! This I would enjoy while journaling followed with the ultimate grooming session of shaving and exfoliating my entire body then lathering down with organic coconut oil topped with that luscious shea body butter that I absolutely adore! Once I was done with this, I would pour myself a glass of red wine, preferably cheap and sweet, light a scented candle, Ocean Driftwood by Bath & Body Works is my fav, and curl in bed with a great book and just revel glorious experience for a few hours. For several Sundays I did exactly that and although I thoroughly enjoyed it, there was something lacking. I was looking good physically but still longing for a sense of intimacy and a sense of spiritual fulfillment. A sense of productivity. You see I didn’t quite understand that self-care went far beyond feeding my physical self. Once I understood this my idea of self- care

Some Sundays self-care looks like me getting out of bed at the crack of dawn to physically exert myself with a 10-mile walk/jog followed by a great cup of coffee and me spending the day in bed exhausted but satisfied.

Some Sundays self-care is spending several uninterrupted hours curled up with my partner, minus the intrusion of a cellphone or laptop.

Other Sundays, you can find me deep cleaning and cooking for my family, with a scented candle lit and music blaring from the speakers.

Some Sundays I’m curled up in bed alone, refusing to move unless it’s to relieve my bowels or my hunger pangs.

Some Sundays I spend planning my week ahead. P.S this is something I’m planning to implement as a part of my EVERY Sunday routine. Planning my week has yield a sense of productivity unlike any I’ve ever experienced. It also keeps me accountable while I get to enjoy realizing my goals.

Every Self-Care Sunday may look different, or it may look the same and I am committed to being intentional with my overall health.

What does self-care look like for you? Is it a new concept and you’re considering implementing it? Or is it something you are familiar with and have some form ongoing in your life?

Happy Sunday

Good Riddance to Old Rubbish

The last 2 weeks of 2021 I found myself in quite a financial pickle.

I was wounded up tight and tense AF, and in a moment of weakness confided to a friend. Having been overwhelmed for so long I unleased my burden. I’m not even sure why because it is not like me to open up to this particular friend. He listened, we chatted for a few minutes and then disconnected. I felt a little better being able to unburden and quickly dismissed the encounter. A few days later I’m feeling the Christmas spirt or it could have been the Jack Daniels coolers, whatever it was, I was hella jovial and relaxed when this friend, let’s call him Jeremy reached out. So, we’re chatting, and he mentions that he had come into some money and had an envelope for me. Instantly all joviality came to a halt, and I thanked him. He asked when I would be able to come for it and I responded that I should be available in another hour. Several minutes after the conversation ended and I was still not able to shake an uneasy feeling that there was an expectation attached to this generous offer. An expectation that I was not willing to be apart off. So, I reached out and asked if sexual favors were expected in return for this generous offer. There was a brief pause before he stated that he only wanted an hour of my time. I chuckled and told him to hold onto that envelope and to take care of himself. I wasn’t angry nor surprised at what had transpire at all. After all I knew the nature of the animal and foolishly thought I was exempted from such drastic measures because we were “friends”.  

At 18, I had a conversation with another young lady, and she defined a friend as someone you want to have sex with but haven’t yet. I was taken aback because I had no sexual interest in any of my male friends. I was floored at what seemed like a very jaded outlook on friendship at such a tender age. After my encounter with Jeremy, this conversation came back to me, and I chuckled. It had only taken me 20 years to understand that what Jeremy and I had was never a friendship. Jeremy was a patient predator, who had tested the waters before, while I was the unassuming oblivious potential prey. I lowered my guards with him, and he saw an opening to get what he truly wanted from me.

I came into the 2022 with a better understanding of friendship and one less male friend. Did this encounter have me rethinking my stance that a man and a woman can be JUST friends without sex? No, it didn’t.  Jeremy was never my friend. Will I allow this encounter to change the way I view my relationship with all men? Maybe not. What I will do moving forward is stop calling everyone my friend. I’ve used the term too loosely and that must change.

On the flipside I’m glad all of this happened last year and so I was able to get started with my resolution to remove any contact in my phone who serves absolutely NO purpose.

Self Care and Manifestations

One random encounter on social media with a beautiful soul shifted my mindset completely!

She challenged me to fix my bed every morning when I got up.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it?
It sounds simple cuz it really is pretty simple and easy, so easy that I can do it in less than a minute after getting up.

It has been more than a month since this chanced exchange and we’ve since conversed on the benefits of such a simple task. Since I’ve started fixing my bed once I am up, I’ve taken a keen interest in “fixing up” my bedroom. I want to add some razzle-dazzle to this space. I want to enter my bedroom and feel as if I’ve entered my own slice of heaven. I want to create my own personal sanctuary!

Once I conveyed this revelation to my by chance mentor/coach, she gave me tips on how I can make this happen on a budget, nonetheless! I was blown away by such generosity and willingness to help a stranger and to top it off, she exhibited such patience.

This encounter encouraged me to take a look at the clutter my family and I had accumulated over the years. From the items that we had the best of intentions of “fixing” to the old bicycle that my daughter had outgrown eons ago, to the TV that hadn’t worked and was now almost considered an antique to the metal bed frame that had rusted beyond any good use. I was flabbergasted at the piles of clutter and so I spent some time clearing our space.

I cleaned differently this time.
I cleaned with a higher purpose this time around.
I cleaned and cleared space with readiness for what’s to come into my existence.

Many times I have wanted things or experiences, however, I made no preparation for them. For example, it wasn’t until I unpacked anger, resentment, and bitterness from my life that I started to feel a deep sense of peace and contentment in my life. From an emotional and spiritual standpoint, I had learned the importance of releasing what I don’t need/want in my life to get what I really desire; however, physically I was still holding onto clutter and chaos.

I understand that such an undertaking to create my own Lil sanctuary won’t be instantaneous and I’m fine with that. I’m fine with it because I’m thoroughly enjoying the process of choosing and making the items needed for such a venture!

Namaste

Go Easy on Me

I listened to Adele’s much anticipated 30 album a few days ago and whew child! Sis hit some cords, emotionally, that I thought I had dealt with and accepted. The lyrics seared past my well positioned emotional armor and laid bare what was once my deepest turmoil.

I walked away from a relationship mere days before we were to be married. I walked away from everything that was familiar and comfortable. I walked away with children in tow. Children who looked at me with questions that I wasn’t sure how best to answer. How do you explain to the innocent that you love someone but you’re not going to be together anymore? How do you move on from a relationship, that was once all you ever knew, wanted, and needed? How do you move past it and parent a miniature version of that person in a healthy manner?


Listening to that album had me shook. Adele had somehow surmised a period of my life that shaped me into the woman I am today. I remembered the physical piercing pain in my entire body when I had to accept another woman laying her filthy paws on what was mine. I remembered reading late into the nights, ensuring that body was so exhausted that I’d sleep throughout the night. I co-slept with my son just so the emptiness if the bed wouldn’t be noticed. I remembered willing him to call and aggressively pursue the relationship, just so that I’d feel better. Although I knew we had grown apart and the relationship had run its course. I listened to that album taking long drags of my cigar, at the top of my stairs outside and I mourned. I allowed the emotions to flow freely, and, in that moment, I vowed to go easy on myself and never listen to the album ever again.


You see, I have lived through that part of my life and I’m on the other side where there is peace and contentment. I have loved and lost since. I have experienced enough of life to remember the lessons but not to dwell on the pains of the past. Life isn’t always pretty but I’ll be damned if I intentionally allow myself to pick at scars that have healed. Adele is an amazing artist, and her tales of heart ache and heartbreak no longer resonates with me. She’s in love now, so I’ll wait patiently on tales of bliss and peace

I am a hopeless romantic and while my knight in shining amour may not ride in on a white stallion and sweep me off my feet. I know he’ll be that one constant steady source of acceptance and motivation for me.

Happy Sunday