So, I’m at a beach soccer match with a friend and we‘ve intentionally sat away from the crowd. I’m nursing heartbreak and she’s there for moral support. Pretty much for me to get out of the house and hopefully out of my sullen mood. There we were away from the crowd but with a great view of the pure athleticism running about the beach. Out of what seemed like thin air, 2 females sat directly in front of us.
My immediate thought was, why bey!!
The freaking stadium is practically empty so why come so close to us. It was obvious, at least to me, that we didn’t want to mingle but we politely murmured greetings and went back to the game and idle chit chat. After a few unnecessarily loud cheering sessions I focused on the young lady sitting before me and instantly nudged my friend, asking her to pay attention to the face. I quickly grabbed my cellphone and pulled up my ex-boyfriend’s Facebook account and we confirmed my suspicion.
My ex and I had emotionally disconnected way before we physically separated so knowing he had moved on hurt but having my replacement so in my personal space raised all the petty in me.
We hadn’t spoken in several days and I was adjusting to sleeping alone for the first time in years, but I felt inclined to reach out after my beach encounter. I just had to see just how in love he was. I knew it wasn’t right, nor was it fair to them. But I just had to see.
Did I still love him?
Yes, I did!
Did I want him?
I wanted the idea of him that was in my head, not the actuality…
Yet still, I reached out.
Looking back, I knew what I did made no sense and I have apologized to him for my meddling. I allowed my emotions to overcloud my better judgement. At first, I soothe myself by blaming her. If she hadn’t felt the need to make herself known to me then I would have never reached out to him. And initially, this comforted me but only for a short while. Because I knew better. I knew better and still didn’t do better.
For a long while, I felt like such a shitty person. Thankfully my meddling had no bearing on their relationship, but it severely affected my ability to heal and move on with my own life.
As I am entering this dating world again, I’ve learnt to identify the unhealed, cus for so long that was me. I am empathetic towards those who are trying to find themselves after heartache. I’ve also learnt the valuable lesson of releasing a relationship when it has run its course. But more importantly, I’ve learnt to never act on pure emotions