Go Easy on Me

I listened to Adele’s much anticipated 30 album a few days ago and whew child! Sis hit some cords, emotionally, that I thought I had dealt with and accepted. The lyrics seared past my well positioned emotional armor and laid bare what was once my deepest turmoil.

I walked away from a relationship mere days before we were to be married. I walked away from everything that was familiar and comfortable. I walked away with children in tow. Children who looked at me with questions that I wasn’t sure how best to answer. How do you explain to the innocent that you love someone but you’re not going to be together anymore? How do you move on from a relationship, that was once all you ever knew, wanted, and needed? How do you move past it and parent a miniature version of that person in a healthy manner?

Listening to that album had me shook. Adele had somehow surmised a period of my life that shaped me into the woman I am today. I remembered the physical piercing pain in my entire body when I had to accept another woman laying her filthy paws on what was mine. I remembered reading late into the nights, ensuring that body was so exhausted that I’d sleep throughout the night. I co-slept with my son just so the emptiness if the bed wouldn’t be noticed. I remembered willing him to call and aggressively pursue the relationship, just so that I’d feel better. Although I knew we had grown apart and the relationship had run its course. I listened to that album taking long drags of my cigar, at the top of my stairs outside and I mourned. I allowed the emotions to flow freely, and, in that moment, I vowed to go easy on myself and never listen to the album ever again.

You see, I have lived through that part of my life and I’m on the other side where there is peace and contentment. I have loved and lost since. I have experienced enough of life to remember the lessons but not to dwell on the pains of the past. Life isn’t always pretty but I’ll be damned if I intentionally allow myself to pick at scars that have healed. Adele is an amazing artist, and her tales of heart ache and heartbreak no longer resonates with me. She’s in love now, so I’ll wait patiently on tales of bliss and peace

I am a hopeless romantic and while my knight in shining amour may not ride in on a white stallion and sweep me off my feet. I know he’ll be that one constant steady source of acceptance and motivation for me.

Happy Sunday

My Petty Betty Moment Stunt My Healing

So, I’m at a beach soccer match with a friend and we‘ve intentionally sat away from the crowd. I’m nursing heartbreak and she’s there for moral support. Pretty much for me to get out of the house and hopefully out of my sullen mood. There we were away from the crowd but with a great view of the pure athleticism running about the beach. Out of what seemed like thin air, 2 females sat directly in front of us.

My immediate thought was, why bey!!

The freaking stadium is practically empty so why come so close to us. It was obvious, at least to me, that we didn’t want to mingle but we politely murmured greetings and went back to the game and idle chit chat. After a few unnecessarily loud cheering sessions I focused on the young lady sitting before me and instantly nudged my friend, asking her to pay attention to the face. I quickly grabbed my cellphone and pulled up my ex-boyfriend’s Facebook account and we confirmed my suspicion.

My ex and I had emotionally disconnected way before we physically separated so knowing he had moved on hurt but having my replacement so in my personal space raised all the petty in me.

We hadn’t spoken in several days and I was adjusting to sleeping alone for the first time in years, but I felt inclined to reach out after my beach encounter. I just had to see just how in love he was. I knew it wasn’t right, nor was it fair to them. But I just had to see.

Did I still love him?

Yes, I did!

Did I want him?

I wanted the idea of him that was in my head, not the actuality…

Yet still, I reached out.

Looking back, I knew what I did made no sense and I have apologized to him for my meddling. I allowed my emotions to overcloud my better judgement. At first, I soothe myself by blaming her. If she hadn’t felt the need to make herself known to me then I would have never reached out to him. And initially, this comforted me but only for a short while. Because I knew better. I knew better and still didn’t do better.

For a long while, I felt like such a shitty person. Thankfully my meddling had no bearing on their relationship, but it severely affected my ability to heal and move on with my own life.

As I am entering this dating world again, I’ve learnt to identify the unhealed, cus for so long that was me. I am empathetic towards those who are trying to find themselves after heartache. I’ve also learnt the valuable lesson of releasing a relationship when it has run its course. But more importantly, I’ve learnt to never act on pure emotions

What Are You Afraid Of?

Sitting here listening to the Clean Cookie with David Never Sleeps and Starr Dawkins and I’m enthralled!

The content is just amazing and the delivery is just captivating. So it’s coming to the end of the show and Starr Dawkins talks about how important it is to just be yourself and let your personality shine through, that people are drawn to the authenticity of it all. I’m flabbergasted at this simple profound truth. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it but this time it resonates with me. Thankfully, this is said at the ending of the podcast because I am not sure how much more of it I heard. At this point, I am thinking back on my greatest fear, which is fear of rejection and fear of failure. And because of this irrational fear I’ve been called a loft and guarded. I don’t make an effort to be a part of I am more an observer. I don’t take chances for fear of how I’m perceived. I chuckle at this realization, as I have hosted several intimate parties, and based on the response from the crowd and the guy I work for, I must have done something right. There was laughter and obvious enjoyment. I’ve hidden my insecurities with nonchalance and dismissive actions. And I’ve kept the goofy, extra side to only those closest to me. All in all, there are several lessons I’ve learned thanks to fear

I’ve missed every shot that I didn’t take. Every single one. I only got what I went after, not what I dreamt about, not what I researched, not what I talked about, and not what I planned. Without execution, I didn’t get it. Period

I have to do it scared. The fear doesn’t go away. Just do it and see what happens.

I will fail, and thanks to these failures I’ll learn valuable lessons so that I can fail my way into success.

I have to learn to pivot, learn to cut bait, and move on to another project before I become too bogged down in debt and despair because a project didn’t work out.

Everyone starts out as a beginner. Practice, practice, practice, and practice some more buddy. We become what we practice daily. Consistency is key

Real growth happens when we step out of our comfort zones and challenge ourselves. So intentionally force yourself to step out of your comfort zone. The first girls nigh out I hosted was by accident, I got a call at 5pm asking if I was free to host an event that evening at 7pm and to stop being scared just give it a shot. Yes, I needed some coaching but by the end of the night we laughed about it and I was asked several other times.

You cannot and will not please everyone and this is as it should be. Define your niche market and engage with them. Trust me they’re out there.

You will be ridiculed, mocked, judged, ignored, and guess what you’re going to shrug that shit off and keep it moving.

Over the years I’ve always said my biggest fear is fear of failure and fear of judgment, turns out it was always the fear of committing to consistently doing what I said I would do long after the mood has passed.

What are you afraid of?

Happy Sunday

2021 in Review

2021 is winding down and boy has it been an eventful year. I was introduced to a new concept last year around this same time. Instead of setting New Year resolutions, choose a word or 2 that you will strive towards in the upcoming year. As a matter of it was Patrice Washington from Redefining Wealth for Yourself, with Patrice Washington, where I heard of this concept and it truly resonated with me. Coming into 2021 I choose the word “commit”. A really small word but one that gets me so freaking uncomfortable. My palms sweat and my armpits itch instantly, whenever I hear this word when it pertains to me directly. For me to commit means to continually do what I said I would long after the feeling has passed, to be consistent with my actions. Seems simple enough doesn’t it, after all, if one wants to be wealthy one has to consistently save and invest no matter how small the amount may be. Or since I want to be healthy and fit, I would only have to eat cleaner and increase my activity levels. However, knowing this, I have never actually committed to consistently doing the small things that can drastically improve my life.

In 2021 I decided to commit, and 1 year later I am in a reflective state as I prep for 2022. One of the things I committed to in 2021, was consistently posting to my blog, a minimum of 1 new post per week. I’m proud to say that I have lived up to this particular commitment. There were some weeks when I didn’t, but I did not stop. I thoroughly enjoy blogging! My blog is not financially profitable in any way, at the moment. The traffic is minimal and yet still I continue with my weekly postings. Shoots even my own sisters don’t read my blog posts, yet I blog along because I made a commitment that I would. One year later and I shall continue with my blog.

You know that question that every life coach seems to ask if money was of no consequence what would a day in your life look like? Yea that annoying question that I despise to my core. Well, last year I was asked that question and I seriously reflected on what my days would look like, from I wake up until I go to sleep. What I came up with was I would be the person who wakes up in the morning meditate/pray then go out and exercise, come home enjoy my morning coffee while chatting with my kiddies and/or partner then gets started with work. I hadn’t quite figured out what kind of work I would be doing but I knew that I would be thoroughly enjoying the work. Fast forward to a year later, I am that person who gets up early, prays and occasionally meditates, goes for a walk or jog depending on how I am feeling then comes home to feed my dogs, cat, and fish after which I would enjoy my morning joe at the top of the stairs. Sometimes the kids would join me other times they would still be in bed asleep. The virtual school allows for sleeping in. What I’ve added in the past month was a gratitude journal, while enjoying my morning coffee I would express gratitude for at least 5 things daily and write an affirmation or two, or I would journal about what’s going on in my life and possible ways to address them. I’ve missed some days and when I start to beat myself up about it, I gently remind myself that life happens, and every day is an opportunity to start over again

I’ll be honest with you; I really haven’t seen any significant outward improvement in my life over this past year. My finances haven’t improved, as a matter of fact, it has taken a massive hit, nor have a lost any weight, I have lost inches and I absolutely love the way my clothes fit me. Plus, drum roll please, this year, for the first time EVER in my adult life I have worn a pair of shorts outside of my home, I have also worn a teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini to the beach, no not really yellow but for sure a 2 piece bikini multiple times. What I have experienced is a sense of peace no matter what’s going on around me along with a strong sense of what it is that I want out of life.

With my 2021 reflections done, I’ve turned my eyes towards the upcoming year and all the beautiful experiences I am envisioning. Will I continue to commit? Hell yeah, I will. I’ve accepted that my goals won’t happen overnight and obviously not even over the course of a year. But what I do know is that once I commit to continue putting in the work needed all my goals will be realized.
I have also prayed about my word for 2022 and I’m patiently awaiting that feeling of knowing when it comes to me