I listened to Adele’s much anticipated 30 album a few days ago and whew child! Sis hit some cords, emotionally, that I thought I had dealt with and accepted. The lyrics seared past my well positioned emotional armor and laid bare what was once my deepest turmoil.
I walked away from a relationship mere days before we were to be married. I walked away from everything that was familiar and comfortable. I walked away with children in tow. Children who looked at me with questions that I wasn’t sure how best to answer. How do you explain to the innocent that you love someone but you’re not going to be together anymore? How do you move on from a relationship, that was once all you ever knew, wanted, and needed? How do you move past it and parent a miniature version of that person in a healthy manner?
Listening to that album had me shook. Adele had somehow surmised a period of my life that shaped me into the woman I am today. I remembered the physical piercing pain in my entire body when I had to accept another woman laying her filthy paws on what was mine. I remembered reading late into the nights, ensuring that body was so exhausted that I’d sleep throughout the night. I co-slept with my son just so the emptiness if the bed wouldn’t be noticed. I remembered willing him to call and aggressively pursue the relationship, just so that I’d feel better. Although I knew we had grown apart and the relationship had run its course. I listened to that album taking long drags of my cigar, at the top of my stairs outside and I mourned. I allowed the emotions to flow freely, and, in that moment, I vowed to go easy on myself and never listen to the album ever again.
You see, I have lived through that part of my life and I’m on the other side where there is peace and contentment. I have loved and lost since. I have experienced enough of life to remember the lessons but not to dwell on the pains of the past. Life isn’t always pretty but I’ll be damned if I intentionally allow myself to pick at scars that have healed. Adele is an amazing artist, and her tales of heart ache and heartbreak no longer resonates with me. She’s in love now, so I’ll wait patiently on tales of bliss and peace
I am a hopeless romantic and while my knight in shining amour may not ride in on a white stallion and sweep me off my feet. I know he’ll be that one constant steady source of acceptance and motivation for me.