I Remember Mama

The first time I ever experienced excruciating loss was at the age of 22 when I lost my maternal grandmother to ovarian cancer. The next time was at 32 when I lost the man, I thought I would create memories with him for the rest of our lives. Having experienced such losses I’ve learned that healing is not linear. And the smallest act can trigger a slew of inconsolable emotions.

When my grandmother passed, I was immobilized with anger before begrudgingly accepting it. How could someone which such pure intentions be taken away in such a horrible way? Logically I knew that death meant that she was no longer in pain, but I selfishly wanted her physical presence.

She was my earthly God.

She was home.

A safe harbor, and a constant source of encouragement.

I don’t ever recall hearing the words I love you from her, but I will always remember feeling loved by her. Maybe it was in the way she ensured all my needs were met, maybe it was in the way she spoke to me, maybe it was in the way she, unbeknownst to me, guided me in the ways of the world. Maybe it was in the way she protected me. All I know is I was loved deeply by her.

In the weeks after she transitioned, I remember looking around me and seeing smiling faces and thinking how dare they be happy when my Mama had passed. How dare life goes on while I struggle to adjust to this new norm! My world stopped and the world was supposed to grieve with me dammit. I was angry and resentful. Neither were emotions I had ever seen Mama display. But there I was stewing in them as I grapple with ways to move on.

I’d be lying if I said that I don’t think about her and miss her to this day. Over time the pain of my memories has eased and started to make me smile. Whenever I smell breading being baked, I think of her and smile. Whenever there is a birth in my family, I think of how excited she would have been to see her family grow. Whenever I find myself being tempted to publicly address private matters, I remember her words, “Gal what you give to the world you can never get it back” and I stand down.

Losing Mama made me appreciate the people in my life a lot more. I don’t ignore my mother’s calls; I try to chit-chat with my dad. I catch up with my siblings as much as possible, and some days conversation verve beyond the façade and into the deep and meaningful. My door, bed (I’m single), and heart are opened to my children always. I cherish the few friendships I have. They’ve stood the test of time and have encouraged me when and where needed and I hope I’ve done the same for them.

No relationship is perfect but they’re all worth making the effort to bloom.

Namaste

Out With the Old…

I love a great pair of shoes, especially heels!

A great pair of heels takes an outfit from OK to amazing in seconds. Even the way I walk changes when I have on a pair of heels. Combined that with a flowy dress or skirt and OMG I am feeling all feminine and gracefully as my hips sway from side to side. A pair of sexy heels can even sway my mood.

For me, heels are the epitome of femininity!

So, imagine when my all-time favorite heels were damaged beyond repair. I was crushed. Knowing that they had to be thrown out I still kept them in the closet and occasionally tried them on. I even made the mistake of wearing them out one night and it was the most uncomfortable fit EVER! Not only was I self-conscious but they were hella uncomfortable, although the cobbler had tried to adjust the heel itself and outwardly it looked fine, it just didn’t feel right anymore. And furthermore, the zipper looked as if it was gonna start busting out. All in all, that night I didn’t feel feminine nor sexy. Just plain ole silly for not accepting the end of something good.

They no longer served any purpose to me. It took me almost twisting my ankle and experiencing sharp discomfort at the heel of those shoes for me to accept this. Immediately after getting home, I threw those seemingly perfect shoes away.

How many times in life have you held onto something knowing that it no longer served a purpose in your life?

How many friendships or even intimate relationships have you been hell-bent on patching, knowing damn well that that bugger doesn’t care about you?

How many times have you stayed even after receiving blisters from the engagements?

How many times have you decided that you’ll work even harder on yourself only to be reminded nothing you do is good enough for someone who doesn’t want you? At what point do you make your comfort and needs a priority over others?

What are you holding onto when the only thing you feel at the time of the engagements is a deep sense of having to stifle your authentic self or at the end of the engagement a sense of being drained and depleted?

Introspection is never easy, but it is always essential. So, with that being said I am currently examining all my shoes, checking to see what’s worth holding onto and has to be discarded. Honestly, I’m also checking to see what needs to be replaced. I’m a lover of sexy high heels and with the holiday season quickly approaching I want to indulge. What’s the old adage again, out with the old, in with the new! I’m making space for beautiful shoes and experiences that are headed my way.

Where do you get your sexy, comfortable, and affordable heels from? I’m usually a Nordstrom’s Rack kinda gal, cuz of their really great selection and quality as well as affordability. But really I just love shoes so be sure to mention your favorite online store I can check it out.

Happy Sunday

P.S this is all I could bring myself to get rid of today

Idle musings…

Making my way downtown driving slow cuz I’m stuck in traffic. Staring blankly ahead mentally going through my to-do list, just making my way through traffic when a random thought popped into my head. If I’m going to be fired I hope it’s first thing in the morning, so that I would be able to get through my to-do list and then go home and sulk. Where this thought came from I have no idea, no I lied. I’ve recently transitioned to a new role and I’ve been apprehensive from week one. The environment is unlike anything I’ve experienced and sometimes one has to be able to read between the lines of what’s being said. But that’s for another time and another post. Back to pondering what I would consider the best time for me to be fired.

The mere thought of being fired had me thinking…

Are my finances in a place where I would be able to sustain my family and I if I were to be fired today?

Would I cry?

Would I be embarrassed?

Would I be excited?

Would I be financially, emotionally and mentally prepared for the sudden change?

How quickly can I get my finances in order so if I am fired today or even 6 months from now I would be able to sustain my family ?

It’s amazing how my thoughts kept coming back to financial preparedness, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself is that once my money is right and consistently flowing , all other aspects of my life follows suit.

Tackling any outstanding debt while aggressively pursuing other sources of income seems to be the best approach to me.

But how is the question?

Whew, another hard question that I’ve been pondering for a while now.

One thing life has taught me is that sometimes there is no warning. Shit just happens and if you’re ever forewarned don’t hesitate to adjust any plans accordingly. With this thought process in mind I’ve started to be a lot more strategic in my planning and my spending. As much as I enjoy spontaneity, it has only been to my detriment. The recovery period that follows is so not worth it most times

So as I’m sitting here sipping my cheap and sweet while reviewing the year 2021, I encourage you to do the same. Look at what worked so far and what didn’t. Start prepping for 2022. But more importantly, be intentional with everything you do.

Happy Sunday