I took my daughters on a play date at the historical Fort Montague a few days ago and all on the drive my youngest daughter, Faith, was hella excited. After spending so much time at home and indoors the thought of going out and frolicking with her cousins really had her excited. So we pulled up and the Fort Montague is packed with people and music and surrounded by the sea. Faith is terrified of the sea, last summer she had an incident where she was dunked under water and has refused to step foot in the sea or even on the beach. It is so bad that she has refused at beach date with her Godmother just because the venue was the beach. How did this slip my mind is beyond me! I guess I had hoped the idea of playing with her cousins and sister would have enticed her. It didn’t!

While the other kids are racing along the shorelines and just having a grand old time, Faith and I are sitting on the beach watching the seagulls and calling out to strangers and their dogs. Just so you know, my Faith is quite the social butterfly and have a real liking for dogs. Anyways, although I was content to laze about and enjoy the sea breeze, I was not ready to accept Faith’s irrational fear. So I tried explaining to her that there were three adults here and we would ensure that she doesn’t get dunked under water again. I even tried convincing her to agree to allowing me to hold her hands as we walk along the outskirt of the fort, which is close by the sea. She just would not budge nor and at some point told me “no means no”. I was stunned and a lot ashamed of my badgering and settled into deep thoughts. Here I was trying to force my daughter to overcome her fear, when I have allowed my irrational fear of possible judgement, possible rejection and possible failure to keep me stagnant.

Stagnant and stale!

As a young girl I rambled with the neighborhood boys and was always up for an adventure, knowing that I would be punished. Younger me epitomized the statement, it’s better to seek forgiveness than to seek permission. I would have spent the entire day line fishing or hauling. I would climb the coconuts as fast as I would scramble up a tamarind tree. There was no game I wasn’t eager to be apart of. The only thing that kept me back was the sound of my grand mother calling out to me to come back into the yard!

I was FEARLESS!

I was ALWAYS eager take chances, just to see what the end result would be.

When did this adventurous rebel in me die?

She’s NOT dead, she was merely subdued!

You see those nearest and dearest to me, taught me how to fear!

They taught me to dream small, because life isn’t always fair.

They thought me that young ladies should be seen but never heard and this lesson I learn to well. I was taught that my opinions were of no significance, so I kept quiet.

I was taught to never speak highly of myself, for fear that I may be seen as braggart, to remain humble. I learnt this lesson so well that most times my quiet demeanor gives the impression of a push over. I’ve since found a healthy balance between being confident with minimal cockiness.

All in the name of love I was taught fear.

This irrational fear once planted blossomed into an overly cautious adult.

One needing guarantees in order to take chances.

One needing to control as much as humanly possible, when in all actuality I can control Nothing outside of my own reactions and thoughts.

Life is meant to be lived and in order to live and thoroughly enjoy it, I have to remember how to dream big and take chances.

Yes I will fuck shit up occasionally and that’s absolutely fine.

That’s how I learn!

By doing!

Not just thinking and planning and hoping and wishing.

By taking chances and doing!

How will I know what I like if I’ve never experienced it?

By trying new things!

How will I experience love again if I don’t let go of what has happened in the past?

With forgiveness and opening myself to new love

How will I help anyone if I never tell my story?

I won’t until I tell my story, as simple and mundane as I see it.

How did I handle my irrational fears?

By understanding that no amount of badgering will make it go away. Time, therapy and a healthy dose of introspection goes a long way.

By accepting that while in my fearful state I can still take steps towards my goals.

By understanding that fear is never the problem, only my reaction to the fear is what could propell me towards what I want or keep me stagnant. Stagnant while waiting for the perfect moment.

So I’m driving the other day with the radio on, usually, I’m listening to a podcast audiobook on my phone or I’m driving in silence. This particular day I had the radio on and this song got my attention, the name of the song is Bad by Wale featuring Tiara Thomas. It’s a great song, not something I’d leave on repeat but a good song nonetheless.There’s a lyric in the song that goes, “Is it bad that I never made love, no I never did it. But I sure know how to phuk” and I chuckled. Now I’ve heard the song before but it was the first time I had heard it in a very long time. Not sure how much more of the song I actually heard cuz my thoughts just started to wander after that line.

My thoughts went from I wonder how many people understand the difference between making love and having sex? And if they understood the difference, when last they actually made love with their partner? Shoots my mind went to when last I made love and I was shell shocked. You see, I had had sex but I hadn’t made love in forever.

Before you say they’re one and the same, they’re not. The end game for both is the same, however, the journey is totally different!

Don’t get me wrong now! I thoroughly enjoy being made love to and having mind-blowing soul-wrenching sex.

Mind-blowing sex leaves me feeling sated, sapped with a strong desire for more. Or is it just me? As contradictory as it may sound to be sated and sapped and still wanting more, that’s what great sex feels like for me. Being made love to, leaves me feeling treasured and valued. It reaches beyond my physical needs and satisfies some deep emotional, somewhat spiritual need of mine. A need that I wasn’t even aware of, but a need that once met, won’t ever be forgotten ever again.

One would think that this experience was orchestrated, it wasn’t. It was a regular ole day, no special occasion in our relationship. He had picked me up from work and as usual, I was running on about some crap at work that had me excited and he indulged by listening and making the appropriate sounds, even throwing in a few well-placed questions. So there I am lazily stroking his head and talking as he drove, we pulled into the driveway hopped out, and headed inside, and mind you the chatter hasn’t slowed down at all, even though the topic has shifted. Besides, I have a captivated audience and nothing I like more than that.

He pulls me in for a hug, one of those hugs that makes you forget everything and everyone besides that warm chest you’re enjoying. One of those hugs that have me savoring the raw masculinity of my partner. One of those hugs that slowly transitions to having my back caressed and ass firmly squeezed and aligned with his body. One of those hugs that my whole being responds to! There is no urgency with this kind of hug. Did I mention that these hugs are combined with kisses? The kisses are soft and sweet as they’re trailed across your body. He’s taking a delight in the way your body responds to his touch all while trying to find even more ways to get you beyond coherent thought and glorious release. At that moment my mind drifted to thoughts that this man was made to love me!

The intense intimacy of this whole orgasmic experience had me near tears and the memory results in a physical response from my body. I wish this feeling of euphoria on EVERY FREAKING SOUL!!

Love-making is one of life’s greatest pleasures!

And having experienced such intensity makes it near impossible to settle for mindless connections and lukewarm attraction.

Don’t just have mind-blowing sex anymore, make love with your partner. Remember to explore, savor and enjoy their mind and body

Dear D,

I miss you.

I miss our long never-ending conversations.

I miss your larger than life personality

I miss your full belly laughter and your engulfing bear hugs.

I miss the random song sent to either cheer me up or to express how you’re feeling at that moment.

I miss the introduction to new content, whether it’s music or a piece of poetry you stumbled across and thought I would enjoy.

I miss being the first person you would share your writing with

I miss being your muse, your confidant

I know I have no right to say anything since it was me who allowed my fears and insecurities to destroy any hopes of us but I love you and I miss you.

You’re positively glowing with happiness these days and though this makes me sad that I’m not the cause of it, I smile because I know you deserve it.

You deserve to be appreciated and valued.

You deserve to be loved the way you need to loved

I love seeing how you’ve grown into everything you always wanted to be

I love seeing you as a dedicated husband to your wife

A loving and doting father to your children

And an all-around amazing human being

I love you

I miss you

And I wish you peace love and happiness