Choosing Happiness


Picture it!

It’s an early Sunday morning, the quiet humming of the refrigerator is the only sound I can hear, and the scent of strong brew permeated my cozy apartment. I’m sprawled on the couch in my birthday suit while savoring my all-time favorite dark roast coffee with one sugar while twiddling my toes and thinking about how blessed I am. Before you ask, no my bank account balance isn’t filled with several thousand dollars, shoots it’s not even close to one thousand dollars, but I’m in a freaking blissful mood. As I sat there trying to figure out why I so happy, I chuckle and opted to enjoy the feeling instead of questioning it.

Life is GOOD!

God is GOOD!

I am Happy!

Period!

This feeling of happiness and contentment is so strong that at that moment I decided that I WILL be HAPPY. Once that decision was made I started to think about what exactly does being HAPPY means for me! This got me thinking even more, mostly because it was me thinking that happiness came from the material things, money, clothing, vehicles and gadgets, I can accumulate and even having people recognize me aka popularity. In my happiest moment, that I can recall, I had none of that. Just a keen sense of being blessed that my kids are happy and healthy, my parents were both alive and since I had spoken to them the day before I knew they were good, that my siblings and all the people nearest and dearest to my heart were great and that I am mentally, emotionally, physically and financially fine and getting better and better every day.

That made me freaking HAPPY!

This realization stunned me and had me thinking even more, as you can see my mind wonders all the time and in the most random directions most times!I started to think about how now that I’ve decided to be happy, I need to swallow my pride, learn the art of forgiveness and stop beating up on myself. I have to swallow my pride cuz 1, there’s a lot I do not know. I need to remain open and teachable. I’m not an island! I need people and people need me. Learn to ask for help when needed, there is absolutely NO shame in asking for help. SO swallowing of pride is necessary.

Two, I have to learn to forgive. It’s silly to believe that just because someone loves you that they won’t ever hurt you. PURE BS! Those closest to us are the only ones who have the ability to destroy us with only a few words, buddy. Some of those relationships we really need to sever and move on from, however, in some of those relationships we need to learn to communicate, forgive and move past together. How lonely would life be if we just stopped talking to a friend because they hurt our feelings? The funny thing is sometimes people are oblivious to the fact that they offended us and are seriously confused about why they’re suddenly being ignored and snapped at. I’ve actually been guilty of this multiple times. And end up actually missing the relationship. Whether it be an intimate relationship or a real friendship. Speaking of intimate relationships, it’s kinda hypocritical that we forgive family and friends so much easier than we are willing to forgive our intimate partner. Or that could just be me. Understanding that we are all humans with different views and opinions and that’s what makes our relationships so beautiful! I love being introduced to new experiences, new music, and different perspectives. I’m a natural homebody and having friends to shake up my routine, is exhausting as hell but so exhilarating that I’m always up to new adventures. So I’m learning to forgive those who offend me, not only to maintain the relationship but also to release any negative emotions from weighing me down. This however does not mean I won’t address the offense to maintain the relationship. There are offenses I will address and relationships I will release to maintain my peace of mind and sanity.

This is a tough one for me, but I beat myself up a WHOLE LOT. About everything and anything too! I beat myself up if I feel I’ve been too aggressive or if I’ve been too passive or overly friendly and about the decisions I’ve made and the opportunities I’ve allowed to slip through my fingers. Literally everything and honestly it’s freaking exhausting so I’m officially done with that shit. I’m focusing on what it is that I want, not what my family and friends may think is best for me. Not what my boss feels is best for me and definitely not what my children feel is best for me. Funny enough, once I expressed what it is that I’m doing those closest to me don’t even question it! They support and encourage. Could you believe that! All that overthinking and second-guessing when I’m looked at as a reasonable and responsible individual who has a track record of making sensible life choices. LOL I overthink myself into inaction!

NO MORE!

I am living my life with no regrets! I will seize opportunities as they arise. I will create opportunities for myself. I will LIVE with no fear of rejection and no fear of failure and I encourage you my dear readers to join me.

Let’s forgive and move on.

Make contact with those who you wanna talk to!

Go skinny dipping under the moonlight.

Happy Sunday ya’ll…

What If I Told You…

What if I told you that the deafening

Silence of my empty home soothes me

What if I told you that the thought of sharing my bed

After our conjugal visit doesn’t appeal to me

What if I told you the occasional dinner date

And Sunday brunches is enough for me

What if I told you that I dream of the day

When I can lounge and watch the sunset…

Alone

What if I told you that there was never any missing pieces

And that it is our biggest flaw lies our beauty

What if I told you that I AM Enough

And Always have been

Falling Out of Love…


Have you ever been in love?

I’ve been down that road at least twice so far, however, I’ve been in lust plenty of times. And to be honest I LOVED being n lust way more than being in love. One good conversation can sweep the lust from my mind and my life. You see, I need my partner to be open-minded and intelligent. Mental stimulation is a must for me.

Picture it!

Great chemistry, the ability to converse for hours about anything and everything, FYI I am random with a quirky sense of humor and hella curious. Back to my initial thoughts, sizzling sexual attraction, and that collaborative spirit combined with great morals and standards, and I am head over heels in love. And all of that is why I preferred lust to love. I’m able to disconnect and move on without feeling like I’ve lost a vital part of me. I’m not overly emotionally vested in the person nor the relationship. With the demise of this beautiful, superficial, blissful relationship I am able to conduct a spiritual cleanse, it’s really just me going for a swim alone, and move on with my life.

But when you fall in love and that relationship ends, it’s not so easy to move on. Logically you understand that that person brought more sad/hard times than good times, or took advantage of you, or just that the two of you just aren’t a good fit. But emotionally you’re literally stuck on that person. Picturing a life without them in it just does not make sense. Picturing them with someone else is heart-wrenching and physically painful. All the plans you had for the rest of your life were plans made by the two of you. TOGETHER! Shoots you even picked out names for your unborn children and discussed floor plans for your future home together. And now ALL of that is shattered and you’re left to pick up the pieces.

No amount of alcohol can get you past it, don’t ask any questions, and just know that I cannot even smell Jose Cuervo, to this day, without getting nauseated and physically ill. I didn’t just shot that shit! I had the bottle to my head and guzzled that bad boy like I didn’t have to go back to work afterward. I’m a responsible drinker so I didn’t drive, a really good friend who sat back and allowed me to cry and get intoxicated with no judgment.

No amount of bad-mouthing helped either. Spewing nonsense from the mouth while your entire being knows better isn’t the way to go. And it didn’t work for me cuz the heart wants what the hearts wants. So as good as the bashing with your girlfriends sounds, it’s not worth it. Again just trust me on this. You can’t take back what’s said in anger and some shit that went down in your intimate relationship just should NOT be discussed with friends and family. Point blank!

The whole foolishness of going under another man to get over your heartache isn’t even freaking possible. The mere idea of another man’s hands caressing my body, while I’m craving the touch of another is repulsive. And honestly a disservice to that poor man that you know you will discard without another thought. Everyone has feelings and should be treated with respect.

While crying is a balm for the soul and can be so soothing, my cryfest ended with a splitting headache. Needless to say, I don’t cry too long or too much.

Absolutely nothing seemed to work until I accepted that loving him didn’t mean that we’ll be together. That unconditionally loving him won’t translate to him loving me the way I need to be loved. That loving him meant accepting him for who he is, with zero expectations. To continually offer love but from a distance this time around. If conversation was what was needed and I was available, we converse. If small favors were needed and were able to assist, I would. If he crossed my mind, I would send up a quick prayer. No, we don’t hang out like friends, which would lead to me not being able to move past our past. This transition has been lengthy but oh so worthwhile because now there’s no desire to rekindle what was.
Healing isn’t always pretty nor is it instant. What it is though, is peaceful and filled with adventures.