Golden Shower

Long ago and oh so far away when having a partner was a reality for me, we were riding together and passed what looked like a shower, could have been a baby or bridal. I really can’t remember which, when he glanced at me and asked “How do you feel about a shower?”

My automatic excited response was I had thought about it and would really love to try it, however, I was always concerned about how or what my partner would think and feel about me after the fact. I was rambling on about it for a few minutes when I happened to glance in his direction and noticed his bemused but shocked expression. I immediately stopped talking and asked what I missed. To which he responded, “I was talking about a baby shower, but I like the way you think”.

My entire body instantly went hot and my armpits started to itch. Talk about a melanated chica blushing! That was me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that I had misunderstood his question and had inadvertently spoken out aloud some of my darker thoughts. He sensed my discomfort and laugh heartily for a long while and teased me even longer, before sobering up and reminding me that that was what he was there for. For me to be able to vocalize my deepest darkest fantasies and see how best he could help fulfill them. However, he didn’t feel that he could ever channel an inner R. Kelly, so I would have to forgo the pleasures of the golden shower. For the duration of that drive, he kept up the idle chit chat, not allowing me to completely withdraw, in spite of my obvious desire to.

Looking back I can laugh at this experience and even comfortably share it with you. If there is one really important takeaway I’ve learned from this is that communication is so important, especially in healthy intimate relationships. Most of us, or it could just be me and my cousins, tend to be more open and honest about communicating our wants and needs with persons we aren’t in an intimate relationship with. You have to be willing to be vulnerable with your partner. And the only way you get to this stage is through open, non-judgmental, respectful conversation. Shoots if you’re willing to have sex with someone you should be willing to express clearly your needs and wants. Nobody can read your mind honey and if you don’t like something it would be best to let me know beforehand to save us that lil hiccup. What worked in a previous relationship may not cut it in this relationship. It sounds so cute saying, oh my baby knows exactly what I need or like cuz he/she pays attention to me, but some of us are great actors.

So ladies and gents, get comfortable having these uncomfortable conversations, whether it be about intimacy and sexual compatibility, or relationship expectations, or even financial compatibility.

Respectfully communicate these needs, you never know when this can result in the best relationship EVER!

Remember folks great sex starts with great communication.

Happy Sunday Yall!

Valentine’s After 35

The truth is after a certain level of maturity, Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean anything other than another day to dress up and over indulge in chocolate and red wine.

It really doesn’t matter if you have a partner or not, because it’s just one single day!

I need a partner more when I’ve had an emotionally and/or physically draining day and need to be cocooned in my safe place, more than I need a man for Valentine’s Day

I need a partner to sit with and plan and/or review the plans we have for our family, relationship and our business, more than I need a man for Valentine’s Day.

I need a partner who will remind me to humble myself and watch my antics, when I’m allowing myself to be mean spirited and arrogant, more than I need a man for Valentine’s Day.

I need a partner to remind me of worth and that I am enough, just as I am, on the days the dam of my insecurities overflow, more than I need a man for Valentine’s Day

I need a partner who will welcome and commit to us being best friends, lovers, loyal confidant and life partners, more than I need a man for Valentine’s.

So on this beautiful sunny Valentine’s Day, as I am savoring my second cup of black coffee, I am sending out peace, love and happiness to all.


Valentine’s is coming!

Valentine’s is coming

Where is your boyfriend?

You are sitting at home


Your mates are getting flower and you are sitting at home


 The first time I saw that tic toc clip was from my daughter who was teasing me because I’m single. I was stunned for a millisecond before howling with laughter. The only thing it is right about is that Valentine’s is coming and I have no boyfriend.

I am so excited for Valentine’s Day, even in my singleness. Funny enough it wasn’t until I had been single for several years did my love and appreciation for Valentine’s Day blossomed. I’m a hopeless romantic so Valentine’s Day is definitely my kinda day.

You see, I love LOVE.

I love being in love.

I love seeing people growing and glowing in love and on Valentine’s Day it’s more apparent.

I love the safe and secure feeling you get when you’re in a healthy relationship.

I love the conversations about nothing and everything that goes on for hours.

I love the forehead kisses and engulfing hugs that seems to wipe all my worries away.

I love the intimacy of being in a healthy relationship. That lover and friend in the same package just blows me away.

Being single these past 10 years on Valentine’s Day has not dampened my love and excitement for it either. You see, I’ve learned some valuable lessons in this time, some were emotionally taxing while others showed me beauty beyond words.

  1. Some people mean more to you than you do to them. This is a really bitter pill to swallow but it’s best to accept this early to avoid unnecessary heartache. You can’t make someone love you the way you need to be loved nor can you love someone enough to sustain a relationship. Funny enough, and this was a real kicker for me, the way you love someone may not be the way they perceive love. You maybe the chick he chill with but not the chick he’s willing to commit to.
  2. A healthy relationship is about decisions, not feelings. Feeling change rather quickly. Just because you love someone don’t mean you’ll stay together. For me personally I need more! I need mutual respect. I need support. I need trust. I need space to grow and acceptance when I do. I need my partner to be there when it matters. You have to decide every single day to commit to your partner and your relationship. There are so many temptations out there and it’s easy to not communicate to keep the peace, but ultimately it’s not worth it.
  3. Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to hang out with your single friends or even your coupled friends who may not be all hyped about Valentine’s Day. Some of my most enjoyable Valentine’s Day memories was with my tribe, hanging out and catching up while over indulging in sweets and cheap wine.
  4. Learn to enjoy the moment! Everything is temporary, one year you may be coupled the next you’re single. So dress up on Valentine’s Day. Wear that stunning red outfit, which screams she’s a sexy beast. Wear that fire engine red lipstick with an all-black outfit and your favorite red F Me pumps. Have dinner by candle light with your scented candles that night or better yet purchase take out and curl in bed with a good book and a glass of wine. Whatever you do, make sure it’s what you want to do and that you really enjoy it.

Relationships are beautiful things, especially on Valentine’s Day. Enjoy your singleness. Enjoy getting to know yourself better. Enjoy exploring your interests. Enjoy your friendships and family. And remember Valentine’s is coming, so go get your favorite bottle of wine in preparation for a day of celebration