Walking Towards Peace

So I started walking last August, I would walk for 30 to 45 mins. You would think that my goal was to lose some weight and enhance this beautiful body of mine. But honestly, it was to cope with the mental stress of working from home in an already uncertain, tense, and germy environment.

I had always considered myself a team player and one of my strengths being the ability to manage my emotions no matter the character I would encounter, especially professionally. Shoots, I along with several old colleagues, joked that anyone who had ever worked in a call center, came out prepared for absolutely anything thrown at them.

Turns out I was dead wrong.

I was ill-prepared for a leader who used threats and aggression. I was ill-prepared to constantly having my work ethics and capabilities dissected and considered mediocre. I was ill-prepared for the superiority. I was ill-prepared and therefore unable to constructively manage myself. I had allowed my environment to dictate how I respond. Combine all of this with COVID-19 and working from home and now this environment had found itself comfortably seated at my dining table.

Prior to working from home, I was able to confine this to Monday – Friday, 9AM – 5PM.

Period!

I was able to hop into my car, turn my music up and mentally unwind before getting home, the place I considered my sanctuary, with my family. This toxicity had found its way in and carved out a spot in my freaking sanctuary!

Being physically tensed had become my norm. Nothing seemed to work initially. My alcohol consumption spiked, but after waking up with a splitting headache and still no resolve, I quickly cut that shit out. I turned to junk food but the scale leaping to 211 lbs frightened me into scaling back. It took a random conversation with a complete stranger, who suggested that perhaps I should trying jogging to calm my mind and relieve the tension, which had become that unwelcomed but oblivious guest in my body. I laughed out loud at the absurdity of such a suggestion, she obviously did not know me.

Fast forward to a shouting match with my direct report and it was then that I laced my tennis and started walking. I needed a job, but I needed to find my peace of mind even more than ever.

Relationship Road Map

Recently I’ve been hearing a lot about, people being ghosted or seeking closure in relationships. Just in case you don’t know ghosting is just disappearing with no notice. Zilch. No calls. No texts. Straight up being blocking you from every app possible. Maybe even changing the telephone number. While closure is knowing why the reason the relationship ended and hopefully, not having any emotional attachment or pain, thereby giving yourself the ability to establish a new and healthy intimate relationship. Mind you these aren’t new concepts at all, just the terms.

I’ve personally been guilty of both and when I think of closure I’m bombarded with old memories…

I called him to see if I could have stopped by because I was in the area. He was reluctant initially but I insisted on just one last conversation. I went prepared with my argument and rebuttals and he even listened. Once I had spent myself, he hugged me real tight, kissed me on the forehead, and said “I love you, Tam”. It was at this point that I knew in my heart of all hearts that it was over between us. The pain that shot through my entire body was sharp and intense. It was unlike any sensation I had ever experienced before, and prayed, futilely, to never experience ever again. I silently bawled. The pain didn’t allow for nary a sound nor could it stop the torrential tear fest.

I thought it would come with great fanfare! We would have these soul searching conversations about what was the source of the ending, we would acknowledge our parts in the demise and figure out how best to move forward. Turns out it wasn’t closure I wanted but another chance at the relationship. I wanted us to fix us. When all I needed to do was accept that the relationship had ended. Forgive me for my part in it and forgive him. It would have been great if we were able to have a conversation about it but it wasn’t necessary either. Turns out this process isn’t even as simple as it sounds nor is it an overnight fix. For me to be able to move onto another healthy relationship there was some soul searching necessary. Some accepting that I had some traits that just was not conducive to a partnership. And that having sex with your ex just doesn’t make it any better or easier. This closure stuff was rough! This was my closure.

I’ve ghosted when it was obvious that what I wanted in a relationship was never going to happen with that particular person. Or if quite frankly, I knew that what that man wanted and needed from a woman I was not capable of giving him. My method may have been the coward’s way out but when one is unwilling to make the changes necessary and unable to communicate this, then cowardice it is. Honestly, there was no thought of the other party and how or if they’re affected by this, just pure escapism. In hindsight, I’ve accepted that my ghosting may have stemmed from not having dealt with my reluctance to accept the finality of an old relationship.

I’ve also been on the other side of ghosting. We were vibing! Great conversation, even went out a few times… Shoots even thought we were progressing beyond dating, turns out I was just a filler until something better came along. This stung and accepting this was a bitter pill. How dare he not see all of this perfectly flawed being before him?? But what could I have done? Absolutely nothing! Nothing besides accepting the man’s decision to remove himself. Trust me I would have loved some explanation, alas none was forthcoming. So I dusted my bruised ego and carried on.

A healthy relationship is a beautiful thing, however en route to one we may experience some pitfalls called closure and ghosting. But don’t allow these to hinder you in any way. Learn the lesson, smile, because at some point that person was all you ever wanted, and move on, because there is someone out there willing, ready, and able to love and enjoy you, as you are.

#livinglovinglearning

#georgiesjourney

Expectations Vs. Appreciation

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Any woman who drives a second-hand car needs to be friends with a trustworthy mechanic!

So my handy dandy Jetta needed some time away from me and some extra attention, so we’re apart for a few days. I think I’ve found what’s needed to lure her back to me so I’ll be dealing with that momentarily. So yay me!For 3 consecutive years, I’ve had vehicular issues! Major issues too. Issues that grounds me for several weeks some times. I know what you’re going to say. Go buy a new one already! And I will, just not right now. This is just the first year I’ve not made any hasty decisions about the situation. I also didn’t feel as stressed about being grounded for a few days. I was reminded though that had I kept up with maintenance I would not have found myself in this pickle.

This really got me thinking, and not about my car either.How often do we maintain the relationships that we consider important to us? Does my partner know that I love him because I’ve said it before and continue to say it? Do my actions align with what I’m saying? Do I prioritize our relationship? Am I appreciative of what he provides or sacrifices for us? Do I even acknowledge the efforts? Or should he be comforted hearing the ‘I love you’ while I’m otherwise occupied with my phone? When last have I given him my undivided attention? When last we intentionally, had the day to ourselves uninterrupted? When last did I ‘service’ my relationship? Honestly, the answers to these questions weren’t very encouraging. Just as old faithful Jetty needed to be serviced so did my relationship.

Interestingly enough this doesn’t apply to just my intimate relationship, but also my towards my children, my parents, my siblings, and even my friendships. Nobody wants to feel as if the effort is one-sided in any relationship. It’s freaking tiring and discouraging. Yes, life is happening to us all, however, prioritize those important relationships.

There is a thin line between appreciation and expectation, I know because many times I’ve veered to the side of expectation and lingered. Not intentionally but more so because my self-centeredness convinced me that if they love me they would understand.

This revelation is still fairly new to me and I’ve since started taking steps necessary to rectify it. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless. After all the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step .

Happy New Year!

The thought of marriage, that which I consider the ultimate commitment, always made my armpits itch and my palms sweat.

INSTANTLY!

Mind you, I’ve never attended a wedding that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy. And the receptions are always the highlight for me. The food, the drinks, the music, and especially that festive jovial atmosphere. I live for a good wedding and for the past couple of years I’ve been able to snag invites to at least 2 weddings annually.

Dressing up and shaking a leg in the presence of all that love is invigorating! For the longest I could not see myself as the bride, nor did I have any envious thoughts towards her. As a matter of fact, the thought of me being the bride made me slightly uncomfortable.

I’ll tell you a little something about me. I once had a great long term relationship and was on the brink of getting married when the whole thing fell apart and the wedding was called off. Maybe 4 or 5 weeks before the set date. The reason is too much to explore at this time and depending on who you ask, I can assure you it’ll change.

In hindsight, I’m finally able to understand my apprehension towards marriages.

One – I didn’t and still don’t have a great many examples of solid marriages to serve as an encouragement for me.

Two – Marriages always seemed to stifle. You were expected to be this perfect little woman, mother, and homemaker. Forgetting self! Sacrificing personal goals and aspirations! Marriage seemed to suck the fun out of living and I couldn’t allow that. It could be because my then fiancé gave me a list of dos and don’ts though.

Three – The greatest love story I had ever heard was between 2 people who were married to another but committed to each other.

And four – I just wasn’t ready for it before 2020. I had a lot of growing up to do. I had to learn who I was before I even commit to another person. I had to unlearn some habits that I thoroughly enjoyed but weren’t conducive to a committed intimate relationship. I also had to learn to recognize what triggered me to show my skin. This is an ongoing process and I’m a work in progress.

I had to learn that committing to something, means that even on my not so good days, I will not forget my why.

As we enter 2021 I’ve chosen two words to define my year, committed and intentional.

What are you looking forward to in 2021?