You Made Me Do It!

Nothing hurts more than finding out you’re being cheated on. Cheated on by someone you would never ever do it to. Even in times when the opportunity presented itself and with an almost guarantee of no repercussion, I’ve walked away. I have walked away out of respect for my relationship and respect for myself. To never give another man the ability to “shade” my King in anyway.

But to be told that “You made me do it!” just shattered me to the core. How the hell am I responsible for the actions of another? Where is the accountability for your own actions? This unfair accusation spewed in the heat of the moment caused me to shut down completely. If a man isn’t willing to accept responsibility for his actions then there’s nothing left to say.

To find out that my King was actually OUR King was a blow to me. Finding out that another woman had access to what I thought was solely mine was freaking heart wrenching and humiliating.

My first thought was what did she have that I didn’t have? Petty me immediately went in on the physicality. It felt so good to tear into the other woman. And since I held no responsibility for the death of us, the stone cold silence ensued. Unbeknownst to me, we had been dying for some time now.

Every time he told me what he needed/required in an intimate relationship and scoffed at him and it, I was pushing him away.

Every time I choose to confide in my friends and not my partner, I was pushing him away.

Every time I wanted quality time with him and proceeded to spend that time deep in my phone I was pushing him away.

Every time I was more focused on how we looked on social media #relationshipgoals, and not on the overall health of our relationship, I was pushing him away

Over time the inevitable happened, and I learned a valuable lesson.

Refusing my partner of certain desires didn’t mean that those desires went away. They’re still there lying dormant until…

How I Learn to Tickle His Pickle

I can take constructive criticism! I’m a big girl now.

Just tell me what it is that needs to be fixed. I am here for it. Especially when I value the relationship. All I ask is that you’re respectful/mindful of your tone when you’re doing it. Or so I thought anyway.

My then lover and I are basking in the glow of what I thought was an orgasmic, mind blowing session of love making, when he wrapped his arms around me and secured me next to him. The only sound in the room is our racing heartbeats and the air conditioner. My mind and body are relaxed and I am literally in a state of perfect happiness.

He adjusted me so that I’m staring into his eyes and says, “I like you a lot and I want this relationship and I love blow jobs and you can’t suck dick. Like not all babes.”

I instantly tried to pull away from him, but since he had strategically positioned me, I could not move. Shame and embarrassment flooded my face. My thoughts and body language became defensive, upon hearing these words.

HOW DARE HE!

Now mind you, he was right. He was only my second partner and my first was not big on giving nor receiving oral sex so I never had to do it. Does him being right made it any easier for me to swallow this truth? HELL NO

HOW DARE HE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!

My ego was crushed, and it took many of uncomfortable conversations with him mostly reminding me of how he made it a priority to learn my body and what it took to please me sexually, even at the expense of his physical discomfort. Dude even went so low as to remind me of the importance of honesty in relationships.

But what he also did was introduced me to a wonderful book called Tickle the Pickle by Sadie Allison . The weeks to follow he gently, but firmly, taught me the art of pleasing my man.

Falling in love with potential

I'm Slipping Away Track

“Falling in love is such an easy thing to do
And there’s no guarantee that the one you love
Is gonna love you”

That new relationship feeling is the absolutely blissful and just beautiful! Everything about it is perfect and seemingly exactly what you ever needed. It’s also in this phase that most people tend to overlook the obvious red flags, and fall deep in love with potential.

When I met James he was 32 and I was 27. I had recently ended a 11 year relationship and he was newly divorced, or so I thought, and wasn’t keen on labeling us. But he continuously assured me that he definitely wanted an “us”.

Although the idea of an undefined relationship wasn’t something I wanted or was comfortable with I went along with it. I was drawn to this man and was determined to be with him. James had the making of everything I ever wanted in a partner. He was charismatic, intelligent , ambitious and he was quite the handyman. Something about a man who is not afraid to get dirty, appeals to my animalistic needs.

Sexy for me is a man being able to stimulate me intellectually and boy did i get that from James. Being able to converse about a plethora of topics for hours on end was what I need in man. Besides the sexual chemistry between us was unlike anything I have ever experienced. Understand I only had one adult relationship before James, and my ex and I were both inexperience and so we had grown up and apart together.

In this blissful “in love” phase I overlooked James ability to commit to anything beyond the next time we would hook-up, or his inability to keep his word. And his witty tongue that was used more to wreck havoc than it was used to encourage. Baring witness to condescension left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Yes James was ambitious, and focused on his future. But it was just that! His future! There was no inclusion of me or an “us” into any of his plans. Begrudgingly I realized that while I had accepted less than I deserved, James had stuck to his guns and only accepted what he wanted and in some cases demanded that I prove myself worthy.

I’d love to blame youth and inexperience for allowing such foolishness but in all honesty it was a combination of low self esteem and loneliness. I wanted someone, anyone! And I was willing to settle for the scraps that were thrown my way.

It’s easy to blame James for everything, instead of accepting my role in it all. And especially as a woman seeking sympathy, I could revel in the victim role.

But the victim shit gets old and I’ve learned to accept all of what has happened to me as a blessing. Because inevitably it has taught me to never settle for less than what I think I deserve. To stand firm in what I desire from my next relationship.